three little words.

"I'm dead inside"

That is a text I got from my cousin a little while ago. She took off and left me here without saying where she was going or when she would return. When I sent her a text asking her where she was, this was the response i got.

I can remember feeling like this. Completely hopeless, completely helpless. I hate that someone I love feels this way. I don't know how to communicate to her in a different way than I already have that she doesn't have to be dead inside. But I have to try to remember what got my attention when I was that low... It was people caring. People asking me how was REALLY doing. People loving me.

Maybe today you feel like you are dead inside or maybe you feel like you have no more hope left. Maybe you are stuck in a rut feeling like there is no way out. I am here to tell you that today you are not alone and someone cares for you. You do not have to live a life of bondage anymore because Jesus came so "that they may have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10)."

Maybe today you are someone who has a friend who is hurting and you want to help but you feel helpless. Remember this "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." You can be the hopeful for your friend or family member. Together you can overcome more obstacles than you could have ever imagined.

For me, I am no longer dead inside, but rather I have the life of Christ in me to be thankful for and to keep me strong when I am weak.

Be Blessed
-Amanda

Not my plans

Sorry this is going to be long...

How often do we plan things out, but then they really never go the way we had planned? Or, we get so caught up in doing something else that we forget why we are there in the first place.

For the past week and a half I have been in Texas. I have been here trying to help one of my cousins through a tough break up. When I got here I was so excited. I got to spend some time away from home (which was good news for me), I got to see my two of my cousins and my aunt and uncle who I had not seen in almost two years, I got to spend some time in the sunshine, what could be better right? Now for almost a month I have been talking to my cousin over the phone about her break up. I knew that things for her were bad, but I didn't know just HOW bad they were. When I got here I realized how truly heartbroken she was. There are so many places that we can't go to or things that we can't do because it reminds her of her ex boyfriend. She calls and talks to his mom and his sister trying to figure out why he would do such things or when he is going to come crawling back to her. She sends him text after text asking him why he is doing this and what did she do wrong? She gets very little sleep and there are only a few things she can eat (let me just say we have had more Chick-Fil-A in the past 9 days than anyone should have). It has been really heartbreaking for me to see her like this. She is not the same amazing cousin I have known and looked up to my entire life, and this is the first time I have been able to see her as just as broken as me.

I had all of these plans when I came down here. For one, I was only going to be here for 6 days. She had mentioned some things that she wanted to do such as go to the zoo and go putt-putt golfing and do some shopping. So I had these days planned out and was all excited, I even thought of conversations I would like to have with her. I didn't expect that she would be afraid of driving some of the places she wanted to go, or that she would have all of these things that she "can't do" because they hold memories for her. It was hard to even bring up things from Michigan because she took a couple of trips to Michigan with him. So after we did all of the things that she wanted to do or all the things that we could do, in the 6 days that I was supposed to be here, she decided that I couldn't leave yet and paid extra money for me to change my plane ticket to leave a week later. I had no idea why but I knew that I needed to stay another week. The next day I found out why. I can't really go into details but what happened left me with a very sad, very tired, quite drunk cousin. She didn't sleep much that night. I awoke to her crying at about 2 in the morning and I sat with her telling her that she is worth more than everything that this guy was doing to her. She didn't really know what I was telling her. As we sat there she asked me to read to her from Pslams. I was kind of caught off guard, I had forgotten why I was here. I had focused on keeping her occupied, not speaking truth into the lies. I had focused on trying to help her move on and becoming irritated when she wouldn't instead of showing her that God's love can overcome all and can help her through. It was a moment of refocus for me. It was what i needed to remember why I was here in the first place.

So as I sat there reading things to her from Psalms I was just glad to be able to show her how no matter her circumstances God can be her refuge and her strength when she feels she has none left. My heart was once again breaking for her, but from a different perspective this time. My heart was breaking the way that God has taught my heart to break for people when His heart breaks for people who are hurting.

She asked me to read to her again the other night when she couldn't sleep again, she said that she couldn't tell anymore which thoughts in her head were true and which ones weren't. She couldn't tell what was in her head and what wasn't. So I read her many things that night, I couldn't stop, I was just speaking as much truth to her as I possibly could. All the while, it was reminding me that I am not in this alone, as I was trying to do it for the first half of my trip. My plans didn't necessarily go as I planned, but God knew what was going to happen. God knew how it was going to play out. I am here because this is how it needed to happen. It is so much easier to focus on other things than what God is trying to show you, but when you realize what God is trying to show you it makes things so much better.

Don't close yourself off to what God is trying to show you, even when you are trying to focus on helping someone else... instead focus on God and God will reveal himself to you and to the other person/people in his timing.

Be blessed today my friends!
-Amanda

My Words or God's Words??

It's pretty early in the morning for me to be writing something, but even this early in the morning God can speak to us. :)

I was challenged this morning to consider my speaking. How I speak. When I speak. Should I speak? What should I say if I say anything at all?

All these thoughts and questions were running through my mind this morning. I've had a few instances this last week where my words were not very effective to people. I had said things I thought might help them or encourage them but they actually hindered the other person some how. I don't understand how that happens.

But this morning I was challenged to stop speaking. To stop trying to help people on my own power, but to allow God to do some more speaking.

I need to stop thinking I have all the perfect words to say and that my way is the best way to help people. When actually, God's word is perfect and God's way is the only right way.

I need to shut my mouth and let God do the speaking, whether that's through me or through the Holy Spirit.

Proverbs 25:11
A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.

Where Is Our Loyalty??!!

Am I allowing God to take control of everything in my life? Is there anything that I put before God? Those questions have been running through my mind all day. I woke up today immediately questioning my motives, giving myself a personal evaluation. Am I doing what God wants me to do?

I’ve been reading this book called “Everyday Saint” by Jim Hampton, and it has made me think about so many different things and I’m only two chapters into it. One of the things that he addresses in the book is our allegiance to God and where our loyalty lies. He challenges to evaluate what we give our attention to. What do we desire for our lives the most?

I hope that you are daily giving God your full attention. I hope that you are allowing God to work in and through you each and every day. That you’re relaying on Him to provide for you all your happiness and not anything that this world has to offer.

I know it’s really hard to give God everything every single day. I struggle with it just as much as you do. We all do. But we are designed to bring God glory and honor. Adam and Eve were created in God’s image so that we would be like Him and bring Him glory. When we’re not doing that with our lives we start to feel depressed, useless, alone, spiritually dry, and so on. God doesn’t want for us to feel like this, but we bring it upon ourselves when we don’t put God first in our lives.

He’s waiting for us to come to Him. He hasn’t gone anywhere.

Hebrews 13:8
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever


Being Honest,
Joe

Beyond the Surface/Confidence

Psalm 27:3
Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.

Tonight I fall on my face before my God with humilty and trembling. Tonight I have been so encouraged by an amazing friend. In just a few short days I will be going home. Home for me is one of those places that just hurts to be at. I have so many memories there that scare me into feeling like I will fail every single time I go there. I feel exactly like this Psalm is saying. I feel like every time I go home an army is facing me. In my heart I am afraid and I can feel the war inside of me breaking out. I can be confident in knowing I can overcome though. I am encouraged in knowing that no matter what happens there are three things I am absolutely certain of:
1. That God will still love me no matter what, and even if I fail he will be there to pick me up, dust me off, and send me back out.
2. That my friends who know my struggles will always be there for me through the thick and the thin. They are already willing to come save me from the lies that I believe. They are the best friends I could ask for and I am blessed beyond belief.
3. I am not alone.

Uniqueness has been a word that has come up a lot tonight. As I sat with my friend at midnight in this little coffee shop, drinking quite possibly the strongest cappuccino I have ever had, he began speaking to me about uniqueness. I am unique. My story is unique. Your story is unique. I began to think about that and about how far I have come and how unique that part specifically is. But the best part about it is that it is not even my story!! It is God’s story. God has just proven His uniqueness in certain situations in my life, to create me into who I am today. I know today that I am not alone. I know that there are certainly going to be rough times ahead especially in these next two weeks, but I also know and am confident in knowing although I am weak it is in my weakness that He is made strong. I know that my uniqueness will be used for God’s glory as long as I continue to keep my eyes fixed upon Him and my heart set on loving people as He loves me! My heart continuously breaks for the community that I am living in. I can see the brokenness of the people in the grocery store. I can feel the presence of all of the lies and hurt as I drive and walk around the neighborhood. I just want to help because I know that God’s heart is breaking for them as well. But in this I am confident that no matter what, God is going to use my unique story to touch the lives of people who are hurting. Whether that has already begun with a youth group of homeschoolers that we spoke to or whether it is to come in the near future or way in the future, I know that God is going to use me in some big ways. Thank you for keeping me confident in that, to the people who continue to tell me that (you know who you are). As I close I want to encourage you today to realize that your story is important and that even if it hurts, the impact you may be able to have on someone else because of your story should inspire you to get out and share (even if it takes some time to share with those first few people). I promise the sharing does get easier, even if it is a rough first few times. But I challenge you to see where your confidence lies. When you find God’s grace in the midst of your mess that is where the uniqueness is found and where you can begin to tell others about God’s story of your life. You are unique, embrace it. God is going to use your story to impact the lives of others in mighty, awesome, and powerful ways.

On that note, with a prayer and with confidence in my heart I bid you goodnight. Always remember you are not alone!! Here are some amazing lyrics to the song Beyond the Surface by Kutless. Try to move beyond your surface.

I've been hiding, hiding for so long right behind my digital mask
I've been trying to be someone I'm not
All these perfectly fake people push us to insane ideals
They're nothing more than counterfeit images

That push me away, to bleed out the pain
Don't you dare to make another move

[CHORUS:]
Put the knife away that's not what anybody needs
There's a better way than everything now that you see
Stop comparing who you are to who you want to be
Let's step out beyond the surface

Don't give in to everything the world around tells you to be
Open up your mind release yourself
Stop the lying stop comparing who you are to what you see
Never letting fear hold back the change

And push you away, to bleed out the pain
Don't you dare to make another move

Dog Feeding!

Everyday we make probably thousands of choices. Some choices are harder to make than others, and some have bigger consequences than others. Some choices affect our spiritual life. If we make a bad choice we feel like we’ve failed and maybe turn to depression. If we make a good choice we feel great about what happened and there’s contentment. Our decisions affect how we are really doing. Many times I feel like I make the wrong decision, but that’s probably because I’m human. It’s natural for me to sin and to want to sin.

A pastor put it this way: “We have two dogs inside of us, and they’re fighting for our choices. If you make a decision that hurts God you’ll feed the bad dog, but if you make the right choice and follow God you’ll feed the good dog. We can’t control the dogs; we can only feed them, one at a time Every choice we make feeds one of the dogs. If we feed the bad dog he’ll get strong and start to take us over. If we feed the good dog we will find peace and contentment.”

Of course this is just a metaphor of what God and Satan are doing inside of you. The devil tries to get you to slip up and make a choice that will bring glory to him, and God is trying to get you to follow Him and bring glory to Him.

If we follow God and His perfect will find life (John 6:47: Jesus said…”I tell you the truth, anyone who believes has eternal life.) We will bring honor and glory to our creator and He will be pleased with us.

If we follow what the devil wants we will find death (Romans 8:13: If you live according to the flesh you will die…) Satan will recive honor and glory when we make a choice that pleases him.

It’s up to us to decide which dog we are going to feed. God’s side vs. Satan’s side.

Who are you going to feed today??

1 Corinthians 10:13

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. NLT

Dedicated to a friend!

Four Walls

I wrote this as I was reflecting on my last three years of living in the dorms. I looked around and saw what these walls hold.

As I sit in the silence of room 102
I can feel my emotions flooding around me.
Every emotion I have felt in the past three years
Is enclosed in these four walls.
I have felt loved, blessed, cared for, accepted,
Beautiful, wanted, patient and kind.
But I have also felt hated, rejected, despised,
Lonely, afraid, nervous, afflicted, and hurt.
These walls have seen all of the tears I have cried,
They have seen all of my afflictions.
As much as it has been my home, and my favorite place
These four walls also make up
My prison, my escape, and my refuge.
I have told many secrets in this room.
If these four walls could talk, the things they would say
Would creep up your spine in disbelief.
I am scared to leave all of my pain in this room
But I know that it will bring more healing than I can prepare for.
Beyond my emotions, beyond all the feelings
These walls hold all of my honest screams
All of my honest emotions felt between
My twister and my cone of silence as
I have longed to belong to each.

Honest Blog

We are Honest Screams. We are a ministry that has begun because we believe in honesty. We believe in hope. We believe in healing. We know that teenagers, young adults, and people in general of today’s society are hurting. We believe that everyone’s story is important. We know that our stories will not be the same as anyone else’s story. If you are here, we want to tell you that your story is important. We believe in sharing life with people and community. We want you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! We have our stories and maybe some day you will hear them, but if you are struggling right now, we want to offer you hope. Maybe you are involved in self injury (cutting, burning, etc.), maybe you are involved in addictions, maybe you struggle with an eating disorder, maybe you are suffering through depression, and maybe you are just someone who doesn’t know how you are going to deal with your pain. We are here to tell you that we love you and there are healthy ways to deal with pain. We are here to tell you that you are not alone and that you don’t have to deal with this thing called LIFE alone. We want to share with you how we have found hope and healing. We know it won’t be easy for you. But we also know that it is possible. We have found hope and we have found healing through Jesus.

Isaiah 53:5 “He was pierced for our transgressions, crushed for our sins the punishment that brought us peace was upon him and by his wounds we are HEALED.”

We believe in that statement. We believe that Jesus was wounded and crushed and pierced and scarred so that we don’t have to be. We would love to share this with you more if you.

Ask us your questions. Tell us your stories. Share with us your secrets. We want to know you. There is a deep dark part inside of every one of us that is longing to share a secret with someone… maybe we can be that for you. We are about honesty. Honesty breeds healing and healing breeds hope. We believe in you. You can heal. There is hope. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

If you have any questions feel free to message us on www.myspace.com/honestscreams or email us at honestscreams@gmail.com

We are by no means professionals, we are just people who care about other people. We are just people who know that life is hard and we want that to begin honest conversations with people.

Through our testimonies we are willing to come speak to groups of people about honesty and hope. It does not matter the size of your group because everyone needs to hear about these things. Please contact us for information.

Here are some amazing causes that we entirely support:

To Write Love On Her Arms

www.myspace.com/towriteloveonherarms

http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3LnR3bG9oYS5jb20=

Heart Support

www.myspace.com/heartsupport

http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3LmhlYXJ0c3VwcG9ydC5jb20=

Post Secret

www.myspace.com/postsecret

http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3LnBvc3RzZWNyZXQuY29t